gieya

LIGEIA, her parents named her, a beautiful baby with the tightest little curls, and bronze skin the texture of silk, as she grew older she was found sneaking around the house, like a spy, creeping about like there were enemies she had to save her mother from. As a child, her behaviour was found to be endearing, but as she grew, less people seemed to think her to be cute. Ligeia was named when her mother was very obsessed with Edgar Allan Poe tales, her mother, thinking it to be an  unique name for her little unique baby, named her so...

By the age of 13 everyone was sure that Ligeia was indeed unique, very creative and intriguing was her behaviour, so much that her mother decided that she be taken to a “specialist”, to run some tests...that specialist was surely good, as Ligeia, then on started behaving like a normal child should, she was a normal smart unique child now, she was now acceptable by the society, she was now just another menace...

Or was she? Well, as she grew older, she was only more accepted, she was popular and she was that, in every sense a mediocre girl would be, she cared nothing for the rest of the world, she would love to be the center of attention and to create situations where people would...lets just say, “appreciate” her.

She is too old now, to allow me to narrate her life, her fate no longer lies in my pen, it is---

Hello, im Gia...

There are two things i know for sure. One,  if you are better than others, you will go to therapy, and two, someone is out to get you, to get me and to get every one in your family, and it is your job to keep them safe.

There are too many monsters out there, and if you are not mediocre, they will destroy you, the only thing one can do to fight it, is go undercover, play from the shadows. I knew, the moment the shrink showed me those “pictures” that i had to keep the real me a secret, and the best way to go undercover, is to stay in the spotlight.

I am an agent, an agent who inspires people, who controls and feeds people, and who punishes people who are bad...even my own mother, even her they got to...they manipulated her  and turned her against me when i was 5, so what if i wanted things!!!i deserve them!! I am honour, i am beauty, i am what men love...and most of all, i am better than you!!!

All you people, so ugly on the inside, i will crush you all, and when in my palm lays your heart, is when i will move on, move on to the next one of you, and every one of you i will get to, and everyone of you will die, everyone of you will learn my name, and worship my beauty and elegance, and wish to be like me, but you don’t compare yourself to me, i am your goddess!!!

Untitled

White sheets, a hard bed, the typical smell, she rememnered the last time she was there, it was about 8 months back and her father had been in the same ICU, she hated it, she hated all of it....If she left, he wouldnt even realize...The doctors had already said that he could stay in this state for minutes,hours, years....She missed him...This was all her fault...If only.....
She could leave...but she would not....if only....

A good days haul, he thought to himself as he ran home with all of his loot...dad would be happy, he would drink well tonight, and maybe he would get some good food tonight...hm...tandoori chicken maybe? Then maybe, if paapa was in a good mood..he could take tommorow off, and play with rukmini...he had a thing for her...she was so pretty....

It was killing him....my god!! That man did not deserve that....When the small kid had snatched his case...The look of pure despair stayed on his face for exactly two minutes..then it was gone...and in its place a look of pure decision...When the train left the station...he had this feeling...the look on the mans face was very strange, and then...he jumped...and another train came on the other line...What if...

He waited there with her, holding her hand...stroking it softly....They just sat in the hospital..In a way, he wondered whether this was a boon...he had always loved her, always wanted her, and now that HE had gone, she may be his...this is what he had wanted for the last 12 years..NO!! he said to himself....thinking that way was wrong...she needed him right now...how could he think that way when she was so devastated...but he always had wondered, what it would be like....

Thats right...it was almost over...he was dying happy, he had provided for his wife, made the life of a small slum kid for a day, left the path open for Her friend...sure, she would miss him, for a while...but she would not be alone....and with that thought, he took his last breath and jumped....no regrets..none at all....

so much for brothers...

It’s very unfortunate that two brothers, that were never before considered two separate entities now want nothing more than to stomp over the others spirit and existence. I understand rivalry. I get wanting to come off as winners, really, I do... but when cheers are more discouraging to the opposing team rather than encouraging to our own, and when the need to win against the rival is far greater than winning the ultimate cup, one must acknowledge the ability of the catalyst that managed to turn a relationship that was once happy and complete into one involved only in massacre and spilling of blood. Even only to rub it in their faces, reconcile and learn to exist in peace.

And that was all they ever were...

After calling her his entire vocabulary of the foulest adjectives,  he turned to look at the scenery and gave himself a small smile...he had shown her her place, he felt brave, proud of himself...especially since his little slum “friend” had not said anything back to him, he was strong, and everybody knew that...he was strong, just like his dad was, just like all men should be...the local train whose door he was hanging out of was full of women who needed to be shown their real place in society, the men who were supposed to control them were weak, like his dad always said, women were for the sole purpose of staying at home, taking care of kids, having kids, and for the pleasure of their husbands, and if they don’t do this small little role assigned to them, they should be forced too, if they don’t do their work on their own, it’s part of our job as men to make them, and if nothing else, a good beating induces fear, it helps control, it helps remind who the boss is. As for Resham...she was nothing, he would grow up to do to her, what his dad did to his mom. Well, both Resham and his mom had it coming, how dare they refuse to do something that their men ask them to do? What is the point in feeding them then? Why should we men give them any shelter? Let them rot on the footpath! That’s their real place!

He was lost in these thoughts when resham sat down next to the door...He had just asked her to go inside...he felt a little happy, she had given him a chance to show her, she had challenged his authority, with that thought he kicked he as hard as he could in the gut and watched her double up, he smiled and was about to speak his mind when he felt a rush of heat to his cheek followed by a sharp pain...he realised, he had just been slapped! He looked up to see a woman saying something...some, words, he didn’t care, he was starting to boil...he had never been this insulted!!! By a woman! How did she expect to get away with this??? In all his white rage he swung a blow at her stomach, that was as high as he could go...with all his strength, but she grabbed his hand and lay another one of the slaps that sent searing pain up his cheek, he was shocked! No woman had the guts to be able to do that to a man! The train slowed down, she was still speaking, she had left his hand a long time back, but he didn’t realise anything, he was deep in his brain washed head, looking for an appropriate answer to the occurrence...never once hand his mom hit him back when he hit her, nor had Resham...all women he knew and had been in contact had accepted being beaten up as part of their life, this was impossible!

The woman got off at the station the train had halted at... he was still lost in his thought. The single thought of women being inferior and it’s branched out toughtlets. He didn’t even realise that the train had picked up speed, when he did, he leaned out the door and used his limited vocabulary again, then he stopped, turned to see Resham staring at him with wide eyes, adrenaline started to pump again and filled him up, he threw herself on her and stated crushing, elbowing, punching, slapping, clawing at her, he spat on her, punched her so hard in the stomach he was pretty sure he felt her spine hit his knuckles,  punched her so hard in the face that at once, a stream of red gushed out her nose, that helped him, he clawed at her face till it started oozing out blood too...he was enjoying it all so much that he did not hear the screaming, the yelling, the ruckus around him...soon, too soon, he was pulled off her thrown onto the platform, everybody was surrounding Resham...he was still angry, as he got up and pushed off the station, without anybody realizing, one thought stuck, he was not done yet.

But Hey, That's Just Me.

They say im lucky and that i should make most of what i have...yes, i agree, i have it good, and i should make most of what i have, but the reason they give is wrong...Just because i was born lucky(which i had no control over) does not mean that they can say, "you dont know what its like, you have everything!!",
everyone should fight, make the best of what they were given....You cannot live of sympathy because you do not have an arm, it may sound harsh, but there are people who have made it big even when they are not as well endowed as the rest...its all about the spirit you have, if you feel sorry for yourself and wallow in it...you will always be sad and unhappy...You are what you make yourself to be, there are so many spoilt kids that you see, lying on the sidewalk...in tattered branded clothes because they  did not make the best out of it...they chose bad habits over hard work...

no one in the world has it easy, everyone has to work hard... and if you dont have it in you, then be happy the way you are, think about the luck you have, every night you sleep under the stars, under a lush green tree...it is something that many people would want but cannot have....

Talking to myself...

She liked waking up to the warm feeling of the sun on her face, she always did like the sun and hated it when her "friends"(who claimed to know her oh-so-well) his themselves from the sun because they'd become a shade or two darker- such silly things some girls worried about...like, for instance, the house across the street...so it was abandoned, that does not mean its haunted....right? But then again, what stops it from being haunted?

She always saw things from every angle possible...so she went out with her coffee, sat on the ledge of her balcony and tried to find a sign of life in the old, poorly maintained home of "spirits”. She was in a very strange mood today, looking at the house she realized that she had never really considered the existence of these so called ghosts, that’s hardly fair, she had not even considered that as an option...so, if she believed that ghosts did exist, and there was an afterlife...so what? Would she go around scaring people just for the sake of it? That’s not the type of person she was, but what about a person who does really enjoy that...then what? Yes, they'd probably scare people...but would some stupid human realize in the end that that is indeed the way of life? Or after life? Why is it so hard for humans to grasp things and let go of their old beliefs, which brings me to what she believed in, why was it so hard for anyone to accept the idea that they would cease to exist, that that was it...you lived and now you are dead...there is no after life, no spirits, no heaven or hell...it’s the ultimate end and there is nothing beyond it...

Make Time Agree

Yes, I do not believe in the greatly accepted version of god which according to you may make me an atheist, but I would not go as far as to call myself that, because, even though I do not believe in the generalized definition of the force that holds us together, I do believe in the force. In my worst times I have noticed that I feel this numbness, this sudden calm that flows through me, allowing me to "sleep"...it comes very suddenly and I lose all my energy and go into a trance like state that is almost like sleep. I say almost because I can still feel the embarrassment , I am still thinking all the while, but my mind is working, it is just physically that I rest. Sure, some might mock and say that its exhaustion...but when you think about it, sometimes when you are given devastating news, do you not have to hold on to something so that you do not fall? Is that exhaustion too? But why? A moment ago you were fine...

I have two theories, one may have to do with the other or it may not....It may not be true at all, but it is possible, you may not believe me, but then there are a lot of things you believe that I believe are wrong, so I don’t judge people, I suggest you don’t too and that you try to keep an open mind. Well, I do not believe that it is right to hurt someone knowingly and then ask for the gods forgiveness...This is not my concept but I do believe that if you have done something wrong...it will come back to you...it is very basic Karma, now what I do believe is that it’s all a mental thing....I believe, that it is our belief that is responsible for our punishments, it is because we believe that we will be punished for what we have done, that we get punished, in fact, mostly we punish ourselves unknowingly...Maybe you understand this, maybe you don’t....What is the concept of the conscience? We don’t feel right after doing something wrong? Well, is that not some sort of a punishment? You will never be at peace with yourself until you make right what you have done wrong.

Next, I believe that feelings fit into a class of energy, and the total energy of the universe remains constant, I think we can  vaguely associate that with happiness and sorrow...There is an exact amount of each in the universe, every person has his or her share of it...which is why not everyone can be happy at the same time and not everyone can be sad at the same time, there is not enough of each for all of us....One can observe the balance, every person is going to be happy for some time and sad for some time, there is no luck, it is a science, distribution of energy.

Both these concepts talk to me and make me believe that if I BELEIVE according to my first concept, in my second one....surely I should not have much more sorrow in the coming years...I have had quite a large share have I not? Then will the rest of my life be joyful in entirety? Time will unravel if this concept is true or otherwise, because, I do believe.

"Winds of Change"

They keep talking of these "winds of change" that they see coming, I
don’t see it. One doesn't need to go far. Just outside of this
box of a home you "own", there is  another box, with the same old
story, no change, no development. Even if you do root for a change, the
voice of a "well wisher" will try to change your mind, and you will let go of
what you believe, to adopt what they believe in. At a younger age,
when i was more optimistic, i would have never thought of writing
whatever this is, i was a fresh feminist of sorts, with no ideals except
one; that all are entitled to what they want to believe in. Funny how
4 years outside of that 'protective environment' changes you for life,
turns you from your faith in the abstract, or at least, leads you to not
count on it. The existence is debatable and has been debated on, but
the beauty of it is; that there is no proof either way. I for one
believe that it will all, more or less, turn out the way one believes
it to turn out. 4 years of exposure, it took, to make me give up on
society, and I didn't put up much of a fight, now i lay, in the words of a dear friend, suspended amidst all the mediocrity of the "society", of
"mankind", of the "human-beingness" of it all. Change that, he says.
But why? Am i not satisfied right now? Am i not content with the
knowledge that this failure of a society is all i will ever be exposed
to? All i will ever be a part of? In future, when a more knowledgeable
species has taken over, will i not be part of that society? No
mark left by me will ever be great enough to talk forever of how i was
not like them. I was, even if ever so slightly, better than them, a
better animal.

I can think of no filthier word than 'human being" and its synonyms.
It sickens me to be part of it, i do not wish to escape, mind you, i
just wish to be differentiated, but what did i ever do that was so
great? Smarter people than me have tried and failed. Well, one can
always wish.

I feel my body reject the mediocrity, just like the society frowns upon
me. It can be compared to an organ transplant gone bad. The only
sanctuary i find, is in my mind, of which no one else is part of, not
even I know all that goes on in there.

I look outside my window and i see it all, i see what i am part of,
what i will live my life in and what i will disappear rejecting. I see
a semi-naked man misusing a beautiful, completely clad woman. I see
society.